If the thong don't fit, you must acquit...

Usually in the morning, I will turn on the Today show while I get ready, so I can keep updated on the latest happenings. Yesterday morning, I learned that a 52 year-old woman has filed a product liability lawsuit against Victoria's Secret. Apparently, she is an avid thong wearer. She had purchased a decorative thong adorned with a metallic clip at the hip from Victoria's Secret . While putting it on, a piece of the clip popped off and went in her eye cutting her eye three times. According to the lawyer on the Today show, the plaintiff had to go to the emergency room, where she was examined and given a topical steroid to apply on the eye until it healed. Upon returning home from the emergency room, she picked up the phone and called Victoria's Secret to tell them about this TMD (Thong of Macular Destruction). She felt that Victoria's Secret did not respond to her complaint and for the sake of public safety, she is filing a lawsuit against them. So what can we conclude from this?

• Thongs are dangerous: If they couldn't subdue Samson in the book of Judges, why do we think they can adequately and safely contain our girth? However, if you are bound and determined to wear them, you must remember that...
  

• Thongs require safety precautions: I would advise any thong wearer to wear safety goggles when putting on his/her thong. In fact, as a result of this lawsuit, I am sure Victoria's Secret will have to put a label on the thongs warning against potential injury. My next question would be, where exactly on the thong is there room to attach a label?

• Thongs do not discriminate against body parts: If you were to take a survey asking 100 hundred people what body part would most likely be injured by a thong, I doubt any would say the eye. Would you ever imagine the eye? I'd like to see the re-enactment of the incident. I just don't see how it snapped and flew into her eye, but then again, I never thought a random, unidentifiable, air-born dermatitis allergen could attach itself to my face and cause it to swell to gigantic proportions. At least she knows the source of her pain. I can't sue anybody.

• And finally, this lawsuit could trigger a comeback for Sisqo: Sisqo the performing artist was essentially a one-hit wonder. That one hit? Thong Song. Now he could make a sequel inspired by actual events to his 2000 debut hit. Sure, he could take the easy way out and call it "Thong Song 2", but something more catchy might be "Attack of the Thong" or "Mama, don't wear that Thong" or "Your Thong Hurts my Eyes". I could go on and on.

In conclusion, with Victoria's Secret producing dangerous thongs, I'm sure in the near future there will be a government crack-down (Sorry, I couldn't resist). Until then, exercise extreme caution.